What I wish pepople knew about my adoption....

I've had the unfortunate "pleasure" of meeting a member of the westboro Baptist church lately (Not really but they were just as judgmental) So I'm taking a break from telling my story to break some myths/express my thoughts on why I chose adoption...


"You gave up your child because your selfish and irresponsible"

First off I DIDN'T give up anything. I cant wait for the day when people stop using that term. I may not have any rights as her mom but I didn't give up anything. And irresponsible?! I adult just about as much as an adult can adult. I work a full time job (and did until the day before Olivia arrived). I pay my bills, maintain my apartment and keep a dog alive.

As far as selfish...I thought of myself LAST when I made my adoption plan. I wanted Olivia to have a great life. Something I couldn't provide with my circumstances.

Financial reasons weren't the only reason I placed.

Olivia needs two parents. Point blank period. People that grew up with both parents know how important it is to have two adults. I couldn't be a female and male role model for her. I understand single mothers play that role every single day, but it was never something I wanted to bring a child into. I wanted Olivia to have every benefit of having both parents in a home. Her dad will be able to teach her things that her mom wont. And she will get to see what a functioning relationship looks like. She wont grow up to hate men because the other half of her bailed when she was created. She will always have someone there to kiss her boo boos, to listen when she needs advice, to watch her play sports. Her mom and dad will never have to tell her they cant take her prom dress shopping because they have to work. Or they cant make her field trip. She deserves to have two parents there for every moment.

"You didn't want her"

I have an open adoption because I want to see her grow. Ill always want to be there for her. Id always have questions, guilt and sadness if I chose a closed adoption.

"Your parents could have helped you."

Again they were a factor in my decision. I didn't want my parents to have to suffer from my actions. They would have done whatever they could have to help but they also support my decision 100 percent which I'm forever grateful for. I'm an adult and I should figure out what I'm going to do when big things happen to me. In this case I had to make a decision for a child that didn't have a say. I knew I would have to move back home. Not only would my parents be stressed, Olivia would suffer as well. My parents are about to be empty nesters. They shouldn't have to start over because I had an oopsy. They should be able to enjoy this time in their lives as well.

"But you have a dog..."

Really?! Because dogs need daycare and to be fed every 3 hours...No. They are a huge responsibility but a child needs round the clock care. I've actually met a lot of birth moms that became dog mommies after placing. They are great companions. I'll take the responsibility especially on those hard days when I can hug him. Dogs cant be compared to kids because they are two different categories.

"You're selfish"

Ill go a little more in depth here. If I was selfish, I would have lived my life like I wasn't pregnant. If I didn't care about the human growing inside of me, I would have still partied. I would have done what I wanted to meet my own needs. But I didn't. I ate whatever I craved because I knew that's what Olivia wanted. I loved her, protected her, talked to her, told her my fears. I told her I loved her everyday. I do. Getting pregnant wasn't on my "to do" list, but I would have done anything to have a healthy baby. And I worked my butt off to keep things going for us. I actually read something in cosmopolitan recently. This young woman had an abortion because her job as a waitress is physically demanding and she couldn't carry a child full term being on her feet. Awful. I didn't think about how hard it was to work normally being so pregnant but I did it anyway. I had quite a few mini breakdowns, but I wanted to be a good role model for Olivia.

Giving her up was easy

No. Just no. Leaving the hospital without the life I loved, took care of and protected for 9 months was hands down the hardest thing I ever did. I hope I never ever have to go through something so hard. I laid on the couch and cried for days. I still cry sometimes. I contemplated suicide. How could I move forward without her? Like I didn't give up on her, I couldn't give up on myself. I couldn't leave that legacy for her. Those 9 months changed me and how I have felt about kids and my future. I tried to mentally prepare myself for the sadness I'd feel once I left the hospital without her. But I couldn't fully prepare for it. Some days are a lot easier than others. Most of the time I feel like I could do anything. But its all for her. I want her to be proud of her birth mom. I want her to know how loved she was and is. How I wanted to keep her so bad but she wasn't my blessing to keep. It was the hardest thing Ive ever had to do. But I know I would never forgive myself if I broke 3 hearts by deciding to keep her. I'd have to miss so many milestones to provide for her. That would have been very hard on me. And I know it would be so hard if I parented. I had to break my own heart for her to have a better life. Ive never felt a deeper love or heartbreak like I had. So it was so far from easy.

"You want validation"

That statement actually came from the only adoption agency I ever talked to. I don't like being told I'm a "hero'. I hate hearing great things. Really all I wanted to hear in the beginning is that I was making the right choice. I wanted to hear it from my parents. Not random people. Even though my intuition was telling me adoption was the only choice. I've never cared about what people think. I don't need people to kiss my butt to make me feel like a good person. Seeing how far I've come in my life makes me feel like a good person. Ive overcome a lot. I've worked really hard to be where I'm at. And adoption isn't about validation at all. I don't tell my story for a pat on the back. Or for sympathy.

Bottom line is its not easy to share this part of my life. People love to judge. They love to look down at someone from the tip of their nose. Many birth moms hide their story in fear. Luckily I don't care about peoples' petty opinion. They aren't living my life. I'm going to be a voice for adoption because we still have a long way to go.

"Judging a person does not define who they are. It defines who you are."

It was all inside of you...

Months had past. No real symptoms of a pregnancy that stuck out to me. I've missed a few periods (blamed it on stress), sleeping a lot (work was demanding), and I did throw my brains up (poor diet/stress?) None of these symptoms really stuck out to me. Yes I was concerned that I was getting sick after every meal. But I was eating garbage in 100 degree weather. One of my doctor clients had mentioned getting my thyroid checked out. (HA!)


Finally around Halloween I told my mom what was going on. She suggested taking a pregnancy test. But why would I need to do that if I took plan b?! I'm NOT pregnant. Yeah she saw right through that like windex.


A few days later (November 2nd) I came to my senses and took a pregnancy test. I was NOT ready to see a positive pregnancy test. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt. Like being dead was a better option than having to figure out what to do next. What DO I do next?! I literally felt the color drain from my face. My whole world fell apart at that moment. My life was supposed to be like Carrie Bradshaw and now it's completely changed. I never ever EVER wanted kids. I hated them. And now I'm carrying one with no "baby daddy" in sight. What.a.mess.


I had called my mom first and broke the news. In the past she would be the last person I run to for a crisis because she didn't handle conflict well. Maybe it's because she expected it, but she was completely calm. How could she be so calm when my life is in shambles? I'm not ready to be a mom. And being a single mom would have been my worst nightmare.

That's when I decided abortion would have been my option.

The next morning I had called a few clinics to see if I was able to get one. Fortunately I was too far along. Did I feel great about considering abortion?! Absolutely not. I really thought about what happened during the process and it made me so sick to my stomach. I'd always assume abortion would of been my option. I could have it done quickly and quietly and go back to living "my" life with no guilt but a lot of shame.

In that moment of despair it's like God had put his hand on my shoulder and said you are going to place this child for adoption.

I knew very little of adoption. I had friends that were adopted. Even my stepdad adopted my sister and I as kids. I knew so little about it. But God had spoke so clearly to me at that point. He's never been so clear with any decision I've ever made.

I'll never give anyone else credit for my story but God. He has had his hand in every single detail of my life and I couldn't thank him enough. As I sat alone in my room, crying, he gave my life purpose and hope at that moment. I never had direction for my life until he planted the little seed in my stomach.  He saved my life at that point. Even when I thought it was over. I decided that I needed to be obedient and have faith. That I was going to carry this child. And answer the hard questions. Deal with some crap talking. Because it was a part of Gods plan. Whatever that was supposed to mean at that moment. I was petrified. Never more scared in my life. And I think I slept a total of 3 hours before having an even longer day at work. I was an emotional wreck.

Even through the time of darkness and despair, I'm forever grateful for Gods plan and that little jelly bean in my stomach. At 4 months along (yes 4). I had a direction and a plan laid out for me like I'd never ever imagine. I was pregnant. Scared. Alone. Broke. Hurt. Torn up inside. But God had a plan for me and this sweet little baby.


Finding out I was 4 months pregnant with no father figure was the scariest and (at the time) WORST time of my life.

Miss independent. Thats why I love her...

November 2nd is a day that will forever be burned in my memory. I'll never forget the day and the feelings like it was yesterday. But let me rewind to the time where my story really starts...


In june of 2015 I met P. Our time was really brief. It was a horrible time of my life. I confused love and attention. Attention is what P gave me. And I didn't care. I was a hard working, single, 28 year old pug momma. As independent as could be. I've had the same job for almost 8 years, I worked very very hard to have a life that looked good on the outside. But on the inside it was so far from what I was portraying. I wasn't in a good place at all. Sure I was "adulting". My bills were always paid at some point. I went to work and busted my butt. I kept a dog alive. Did I ever think about the future? What I really wanted out of life? Absolutely not. Sure I had an idea, but no real direction. Didn't know where to start or how to get there. I met P online like many people do now days. I wasn't sure if he was the "one". I didn't care. One thing led to another which led to a plan b purchase. Something I was very ashamed of. Yes I had "prevented" (or so I thought) a pregnancy. But I felt so shameful for letting this stranger use and disrespect me. I didn't have too long to dwell on my bad decisions because I went off to vegas with my crazy friends to make more bad decisions. And boy did I make them! I partied any thoughts of plan b or baby away! Yes I do realize now that my life could easily be a lifetime story. Of course P pulled away quickly. Do I blame him? No way. I wanted to ghost on myself at that point. And he got  what he wanted so why not?! I was having a blast with my friends. But the thought of the events prior to Vegas stayed in my head. I was absolutely NOT ready for a baby. Not with someone like him. Not at all. And it wouldn't be a possibility right?? I mean plan b is 99 percent effective right?  I decided at the end of the trip that P's phone number would be deleted since I needed nothing to do with someone like that. He didn't want a relationship with me. And I wouldnt become pregnant because we were smart and took an emergency contraception. It had to work.


I was so wrong,

.