It's coming on Christmas.....

                       Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


It has been an eventful day of family debates, food, and fun. The holiday time is finally upon us and I'm excited/dreading it.


Last year was so different for me. I was pregnant and seemingly alone. I had very little support once some of my family members found out I chose not only adoption but open adoption (We had that lovely debate today.) Birth dad wasn't in the picture so it was so hard dealing with all of my feelings alone. Thanksgiving is around the time that I announced my pregnancy to family and started to get close to Olivia's parents. It was the worst holiday of my life. I get why the suicide rate is so high this time of the year. The holidays are meant to be filled with joy with family.


Fast forward a year later and it is different for me but some of the pain is still there. Instead of feeling guilt, shame and sadness for this unborn child, I'm missing this almost 9 month old gorgeous baby. It is her first christmas. Everyone my age is announcing pregnancies or having babies and it absolutely kills me sometimes. I cried myself to sleep last night. Sometimes we really don't understand why God puts us through trials. I still question why I'm the one that got pregnant. Especially in November with the holidays rolling around and adoption month. I see pictures of Olivia and her mom and I get jealous because they both look overjoyed and here I'am trying to piece my feelings back together even after 9 months. I cant wait until things really do get easier because post adoption grief is HARD.

BUT on the other side of the coin I'm so grateful and thankful that Olivia is loved and as happy as she is. I'm grateful that I do get to experience holidays with her. My whole extended family and I had the absolute pleasure having a family Thanksgiving two weeks ago. And in three short weeks I will be going to see her again for christmas. Olivia's parent's do not owe me that. They do not owe me anything. And the adoption paperwork says they can cut me out at any time. But they include me and I'm so thankful for that. I'm thankful they see me as an extended part of their family and not just a birth mom. Despite my sadness and despair I think everyday that adoption was Olivia's benefit. Her little toofy smile shows that I made the right decision and I have to rest in that. This year's lessons has brought me many things to be thankful for so I should just focus on that. At the end of the day it is about Olivia and not me. And knowing that is what gets me through.


if you find yourself in a really hard position this holiday do not give up. Think of your blessings and surround yourself in them. God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. This trial might be what you need to shape you in to who you are. To change your life for the better. So focus on the positive and reach out to your support system when you need it! Hope everyone has an amazing thanksgiving full of food, love and adult beverages and no talks of politics, vaccine (yes it went there too), and anything else that should not be said at family gatherings.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

It has been a minute since I've been able to blog! If anyone here follows me on social media then yall know its been a whirlwind of a semester. I've almost completed my first full semester back at school after 8 years, I tried to get on a tv show (I would totally do it all again in a heartbeat. In fact Call me!), I've watched my livi bug grow into a beautiful little girl (8 months old!! YES! *Ugly cries) and I found myself in a relationship with someone special. But if you guys follow me on my social media platforms then you all know that by now and thats not why I'm blogging.

I'm blogging today for a follow up to my last post. I've successfully been in a relationship for 3 months now. No fights, he hasn't made me cry, no breakups, no drama. Y'all might not think 3 months is a big deal but to me it's HUGE! I haven't had a serious relationship since high school. 10 years ago!! And if I did attempt to get into one since then it was a mess. Drama, tears and heartbreak after 2 weeks. Yeah I messed with alot of f*ckboys in my single time. I'm going to be honest here I got pregnant by one as well.

So what does that term mean? It mean's it is a guy that has no self respect or respect for you pretty lady. You can find him sleeping in at his moms house all day, unemployed or even working a job (not a career) to be able to fund his next pair of shoes, weed or night at the bar. He typically does not get into serious relationships because why would you when there are so many gorgeous woman out there that want to chase you? I chased alot of these boys because just a little over a year ago it was "fun" to have something I couldn't have. I also didn't not love myself enough to walk away. I spent a lot of time in my twenties wishing for the right guy but having my heart broken instead...until this one guy.

I met this guy 3 months ago. Online like most people that hate the bar and want to meet someone with substance. I had told myself that I was done until after college if this didn't work out. After a summer of a few more flings I was DONE meeting guys that were nice to look at but emotionally unavalible. I had promised Olivia's parents that i would value myself enough to not settle for chasing the wrong guy anymore. I mean yes I do have to be a good role model for Olivia in aspects including dating.

So what did I do differently you ask? I started to love and respect myself. After my adoption experience I told myself that I deserve a king to match my life. I DO have a lot to offer now so I should not settle for someone that can't offer anything to me. I changed how I dressed and viewed myself. I did not go home with the man (and yes he is a man. Know the difference ladies) on the first date. I also dress differently since I'am a "mother" in an aspect now. In a time where everyone says put it all on social media and show off what your mama gave ya, I'd love to disagree. As a lover of social media I see it all too much. I'am not here to bash those girls because it is what they choose but it isn't for me. I did get rid of clothes that showed too much. My body is different yes, but I'am almost 30 and wearing something so low that my boobs hang out, or posing in my underwear on instagram is unacceptable. Above all I made it clear to my boyfriend that I was looking for a relationship and not to play around. I was also open about my experience in adoption and being a birth mom. Sooner than later. And he actually supports that aspect in my life. That is how I really know I have a keeper.


So to all of my single ladies out there PUH-LEASE stop chasing the jerks. Rule of thumb is if you are the one doing most of the leg work in the beginning, if he doesn't take out (Or at least cook you dinner. I know we are all on a budget), and if he causes you pain and tears. RUN. If he doesn't pressure you to have sex, listens to you when you have a bad day, and goes out of his way to find ways to take care of you then keep him!! There is someone out there for everyone and when you expect to find a good man (yes I said it again), then you WILL!

Down in a hole, losing my soul...

Summer time is just about over and the fall semester has started...Somehow I've survived this far without losing it...somehow...But today I want to talk about something we all do on a daily basis...Something that has consumed me lately....Comparison..


Why do we compare ourselves to others base on social media? I'm going to be honest and real. I got caught up in everyone else's summer fun and their lives that it made me very sad. I questioned why I was going to school, why wasn't my life as glamorous, and why wasn't I having fun instead of working and going to school? I work full time and I'm going to school so I deserve to have a life that looks good on the 'gram, right? But I do have a life that looks good and feels good to me! Why is it so hard to see that?


I see people that always look so put together. They seem to have a new outfit all of the time. People that "work hard and play hard" and are always out having fun. I had a moment of self hate getting ready for a date and realizing that I don't have social media worthy clothes. That I'm a tshirt and jeans girl and there is little chances of changing. I almost didn't even want to go on this date, even though this guy is pretty awesome. I, for a short moment, hated myself for not having something to brag about. But I do have things to brag about! Like juggling school and a full time job with dating, the cutest 6 month old girl I love more than anything, and a fur baby that absolutely keeps me on my toes. So why do I envy people on social media? After all its a snippet of someone's life. Only the best parts. They still struggle with everyday things that we don't exactly want to see. No one wants to air out their life struggles,. Except for me. Because social media shouldn't only be used to share the good times, it should be used for the bad times too. Because we are real people. And I'm about as real as it gets.

So today, and this semester, I'm going to step away from the social media once in a while, stop comparing my life to others, and start enjoying my own blessings right in front of me. Because one day I'll look back and miss this time of my life.

"The grass isn't always greener on the other side. It's greener where you water it."

How do you handle envy/self comparison on social media?

Why can't I breath whenever I think about you?

        It's Saturday night. I "should" be at the bar right? Nope I'm home having a chick flick marathon. I decided to watch 13 going on 30 because well we all loved that movie when it came out. It was cute. The perfect romantic comedy. Girl has perfect best friend, wants to be popular, gets popular and realizes her best friend was the perfect guy for her that treats her the way every girl wants to be treated.




           It had me thinking.




     I've been thinking a lot about my "relationship status" lately and this definitely does not help. Dating is so complicated these days. It isn't the same as getting lucky and meeting your spouse in high school, at college, some random bar, or through friends. You really have to try to meet people. Or you end up single. Like me. And when you do meet people, or reconnect with people that you are interested in, they end up blowing your phone up at 3am after a night of drinking.


    
      Why is that? Why is our dating culture a "Netflix and chill" culture? A hook up culture? It baffles me.



      I'm told almost daily to "never settle". But if I settle for a hook up when I know and want better for the sake of being the "cool collective girl" isn't that settling? Isn't that what I'm told not to do? All of the time I'm being told to not expect anything. Not to have feelings. As a boss woman that I'am other boss women tell us it isn't cool to have feelings or to want to fall in love or have the love we deserve. I call crap on that. I know many men and woman that desire to fall in love with their best friend, have a family, have life experiences but we are told to accept Netflix and chill and go with the flow. We are told to not have feelings, to work to have money and obtain "things" to impress others and stay single until the right person just falls into our laps. I'm almost 30, a workaholic and a homebody. I think the chances of meeting someone in the produce area of a grocery store are slim. And quite honestly I deserve way more than the 5 (!!!) missed calls at 3am. I'm a boss chick. I work extremely hard for what I have, I'm much more kinder than I used to be (amazing how life experiences do that), and I love BIG. I've been told countless times that life isn't a romantic comedy. WHY NOT?! That's right because popular movies like "train wreck" and "knocked up" says its OK to hook up. Its OK to settle for sex because he will fall in love with you. WRONG.  Even if I die alone, Id rather die knowing I didn't give in to just being a piece of booty. Id be satisfied knowing I was capable of loving someone the way I would want to be loved.


      Before anyone thinks this is a gripe fest about being single, it"s so far from that. This is a challenge for men and women to start valuing themselves more. To treat others with respect and really think about what they want. Men, would you want your daughters settling for being a booty call? And women, would you want your son to be a heart breaker that uses and abuses women? Even as a birthmom I think about the kind of influence I have on Olivia. I didn't place her for adoption to let her see that love doesn't exist and its all about empty sex and broken hearts. I challenge our generation to date again. To have a heart. To turn off Netflix, keep your clothes on and actually have dates. To get to know someone and to treat them for the gold they are.

         

I found a reason for living, found a reason to love again...

Today I was blessed with the privilege of going to Olivia's 4 month doctors appointment! It was an amazing experience. The doctor said she will be a little one, but she is way ahead developmentally. That makes me so very proud. She's only 4 months old and rolls over on her own and rolls back to her back on her own as well. She is a sweet happy little soul. But since she had to have shots, she experienced all of the emotions a woman experiences in a day, in one hour! After Amy and I were able to have lunch and to gush over how cute and smart Olivia is.



I often think about the night I found out I was pregnant. Especially since it has been a year since Olivia was conceived. When I made a plan to place this sweet baby, I was hoping to see her 4 times a year max. I didn't know anything about open adoption. And I thought "open" meant very few visits and lots of pictures. I prayed I could at least spend holidays with her. I didn't want to just hand off this child and run. I wanted to make sure she was as loved and taken care of. I didn't think our adoption plan would mean going to doctors appointments, monthly visits, and even pictures of Olivia eating oatmeal. I knew I'd sacrifice almost everything for the sake of this child. But with our adoption plan I really don't. I would have missed everything to provide for this baby if I parented. And she wouldn't have had as many people to love her. She would have missed a lot of chances to be successful, and I would have missed a huge part of her life. Our adoption plan is better than what I prayed for. Adoption isn't about giving up. Its about love and sacrifice but never giving up anything.


This beautiful girl adds so much to my life. I love having an event to look forward to every month. Because going to see her is a huge deal. I never thought I'd be here a year ago. But I wouldn't trade it. Even through the nights that I cry and I miss her. The nights that I wish I could smell her baby smell, kiss those chubby cheeks, and hear her "talk". I pray for more of those times all of the time. I miss her and think about her every single day. And I will until I die. I will always cherish our relationship and try to be there for her, even when she doesn't think she needs me. I will always need her. Adoption doesn't come without pain, unfortunately. I struggle with it a lot. But its the visits that remind me of HOW blessed I'am. Blessed to have a tiny girl that I can love, and blessed to have a family that I can call family. Amy encourages me to be better and do better in my life. My love for those people has so far taught me to never settle for mediocre. That Iam enough and deserve to be loved fully. Olivia has truly taught me what unconditional, selfless love is.

If you are a young, single, and pregnant woman out there searching for answers, please really think about adoption. Not only just that but open adoption. It is so beautiful. Painful yes. But its worth it. Open adoption works for all 3 parts of the triad and I'm living proof. Consider it. Research it. Love your baby and think about their future. It is the harder road less traveled. Its not for everyone, But I'm SO very grateful that it was the road for me!!

Back to school, Back to school. To prove to dad that I'm not a fool...

This week marks the end of my first class back in school! Luckily I made a B. Now I'm sad that this class is over because it was so fun and felt that I learned more about the field I'm majoring in. Not gonna lie, school and work is completely kicking my butt this summer. Not sure I'll ever do a summer class AGAIN. And I've been working 40 or more hours (like this week.) I try NOT to complain because it's better to be a busy girl than a broke girl. But there doesn't feel like there is enough hours in the day. Most days I'm lucky if I get hours of sleep. Doing my make up, cleaning my apartment regularly and having fun is out the window. But they said it will be "worth it".....


   
It is HARD to balance it all. In fact I've been dealing with the good ol' grief again lately because I'am so busy and so so tired (hashtag College life). I have been missing Olivia so much lately. Especially at night. I find myself crying a lot easier. I even cried at work today. (But thank you to some of my favorite people for hugging me. I needed that). I need to cry sometimes. I don't want to. But I need to. And it would be awesome if I was hugged while I cried. I just forget that I have been through something so huge the last year. I try SO hard to be Wonder Woman that I force myself to forget that I'm not exactly who I was a year ago and I do have feelings. Before I rarely cried. And I thought I gave up this crying business when I decided to start kicking butt in my own life. But lately my life is kicking my butt. Bad. Not saying that going through school, working full time, and a new adoption plan is impossible. It is possible. It just wont be easy. I constantly question my life. Seeing people graduate college, pursue careers they love, have babies, get engaged and married totally makes me question everything. It makes me question how did I come out of this year whole? I'm not. I made it. But I'm so far from "healed" and that's ok. I accept it. I embrace it. And its the right step forward. I guess throwing myself head first into a crap storm is my way of handling my grief. Honestly I feel selfish for crying. Olivia has everything I wanted for her and more. She has the better life I've dreamed for her. I just miss her so so so much. Every single day. And I think about her every single day. I think about this past year often. Maybe over time I wont think about it as much. I had a conversation with a young lady and she asked if I had kids. Of course like I do so often, I told her no (because society, myself and other birth moms tell me I'm not a mom. And she isn't my daughter). But I decided to come clean. She is a single mother. And that's something I feared so much. Being judged by single moms. She told me she would rather abort her child than watch someone else raise her. Man that was the most backwards thing I ever heard but I understood it. But school wouldn't be possible if I parented as a single parent. Olivia wouldn't have had the best chance at life. The girl and I talked about school and I listened to her give me reasons why she couldn't go back despite wanting to. I wanted Olivia to see that college is a priority. In most countries women stop going to school in middle school to become child brides. I did not want that to be Olivia. So I had to break my heart for her sake. Don't get me wrong. I have NO regrets this year. I wouldn't change anything. I don't want to take anything away from Amy (You are on your own with the spanking and grounding Amy). She is happy. She is loved and well taken care of. I'am so lucky to play such a big role in her life. I'am so lucky I get to squeeze her in 2 weeks. Amy didn't rob me of anything. I made the decision to give her more than I could provide at this time in my life. It just unfortunately does not take away the heart ache. Or the fact that I miss her so much that I cry in public. That some days I don't feel I deserve to even be called her "mother". That sometimes, but rarely, do I even deserve a chance to better my life. I miss her like the desert misses rain. So I throw myself into school and work. I throw on my Wonder Woman uniform and do the damn thang. I become an advocate for birthmoms. For women. I try to empower women. I try to empower myself. It's not easy, but I hope its worth it. Despite the tears I think it has been.

How do you cope with sadness? And how do you balance it all when you want to 'do it all'?

The pros and cons of a private adoption

Since my adoption was private, I figured I'd compile a list of pro's and con's of a private adoption. As my readers know my adoption was private. I did talk to an agency but it didn't work out and God, as usual, had his own plans. Glory to him!!


Pros

I don't have an agency dictating how often I see Olivia or how open my adoption is.

Before I'm being ripped a new one, let me have my say. The one agency I talked to said I would be lucky to find a family that allows 4 visits a year. How would I know if it were the family or really the agency that would allow that much contact? I know a lot of agencies are pro open adoption and some even don't play a factor in that. I know of a wonderful young woman with a similar adoption plan. She went through an agency. It just worked out better for me.

We were matched by someone I knew and trusted.

How cool is it that I can say Amy and Brandon were handpicked just for me?! God knew they were meant to be Olivia's parents. But it was so awesome to know I was matched by my boss. Someone I have been employed by for 8 years. Someone that I admired and trusted. She understood and supported what I wanted in an open adoption. I had asked her for information of other couples just to be sure. She was very hesistant because I think she knew all along that Olivia was meant to be with Amy and Brandon.

The adoption was affordable for Amy and Brandon

They didn't have to pay an agency a huge bill to adopt Olivia. I'm sure some people would question if Amy and Brandon could financially care for a kid if they couldn't put up a lot of money up front. It wasn't impossible for them. It just wasn't nessecary. And now they can spend money doing things with the family instead of worrying about how to make it a possibility financially. People fundraise now or even take out loans because adoptions have become so expensive, More people also turn to social media in hopes of privately adopting to avoid the high cost. I still get inquiries for a baby.  It's just too danged expensive!!

Cons

I was "stuck" with a social worker that didn't know me or the situation.

Our story isn't typical. Many people, including employees in the industry, don't understand that. I had a horrible social worker. It was like working with jekell and hyde. She was sweet and supposedly my "advocate" but stressed me so bad on the last day in the hospital that I broke down in front of family. I couldn't enjoy my last day with Livi because she wanted the mountain of paperwork signed asap so she could leave early (my adoption took place on a Friday). So inconsiderate. And she had the nerve to try to kick Amy out because I was so stressed. An agency provides a social worker that is hopefully sensitive to birthmoms needs and the situation. She was not. It still angers me. Adoption is already such a sensitive time and there is no room for pressure, insensitivity or pushiness. Hopefully she learns that she needs to respect people in all situations. I mean it is her job for crying out loud!!

Amy could have taken Livi and ran

We had nothing on paper about visits, pictures, holidays etc. A few people were concerned Amy was going to take back her word and cut me out. Unfortunately some adoptive parents do this because they aren't EDUCATED. Its heartbreaking. For the child and birthmom. I knew Amy would keep her word. I built a relationship with her. Any human wouldn't even have the conscience to make empty promises and run. Our communication isn't as much as when I was pregnant. I think we texted non stop everyday. But that's ok! Life happens. Shes a mom of 2 babies. We still communicate almost everyday along with pictures. Especially now that I'm in school, Amy continues to be a sister figure to me, my hero and role model. I trust her. And I trust her to keep her word. End of story!!

Your on your own financially on maternity leave

An agency can pay for living expenses and food while off of work. But adoptive parents cant help financially. It was a huge fear for me. Not only because I HATE saving (future blog post?) but because I didn't know what kind of birth Id have and how long I would be off of work. God handled it though. It all goes back to trusting him when I found out I was pregnant. Trusting his plan for me and babygirl. Now Oliva is a BEAUTIFUL 3 month old and I'm a college girl working 6 days a week. It all worked out. From my pregnancy to life after adoption. God could have made my life so hard because I chose to not live his way. But my God is full of so much grace for sinners like me. He made me realize why he truly gave his life. Not so I can make mistakes on purpose. But to prosper in hard times. To make something beautiful out of such a dark time. I absolutely love being a birthmom and seeing that princess grow. I LOVE IT.

School and adoption is such a new time for me but I'm getting the hang of it. Adjusting to my new normal. Even in the times of uncertinity, seeing that little girl thrive where shes at fills my heart in a new kind of way. I don't regret a THING. I miss her every single day. EVERYDAY. But shes happy. That's all I could of asked for.

Birthmoms/adoptive parents Was your adoption through an agency or private? Was there anything that made that experience better or worse? I love connecting with both sides of the story so please share!! Yall can also email me at Stellargurl_16@yahoo.com if you are uncomfortable about posting in public. I understand.

As always thank you for reading!!