Thursday, November 24, 2016

It's coming on Christmas.....

                       Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

It has been an eventful day of family debates, food, and fun. The holiday time is finally upon us and I'm excited/dreading it.

Last year was so different for me. I was pregnant and seemingly alone. I had very little support once some of my family members found out I chose not only adoption but open adoption (We had that lovely debate today.) Birth dad wasn't in the picture so it was so hard dealing with all of my feelings alone. Thanksgiving is around the time that I announced my pregnancy to family and started to get close to Olivia's parents. It was the worst holiday of my life. I get why the suicide rate is so high this time of the year. The holidays are meant to be filled with joy with family.

Fast forward a year later and it is different for me but some of the pain is still there. Instead of feeling guilt, shame and sadness for this unborn child, I'm missing this almost 9 month old gorgeous baby. It is her first christmas. Everyone my age is announcing pregnancies or having babies and it absolutely kills me sometimes. I cried myself to sleep last night. Sometimes we really don't understand why God puts us through trials. I still question why I'm the one that got pregnant. Especially in November with the holidays rolling around and adoption month. I see pictures of Olivia and her mom and I get jealous because they both look overjoyed and here I'am trying to piece my feelings back together even after 9 months. I cant wait until things really do get easier because post adoption grief is HARD.

BUT on the other side of the coin I'm so grateful and thankful that Olivia is loved and as happy as she is. I'm grateful that I do get to experience holidays with her. My whole extended family and I had the absolute pleasure having a family Thanksgiving two weeks ago. And in three short weeks I will be going to see her again for christmas. Olivia's parent's do not owe me that. They do not owe me anything. And the adoption paperwork says they can cut me out at any time. But they include me and I'm so thankful for that. I'm thankful they see me as an extended part of their family and not just a birth mom. Despite my sadness and despair I think everyday that adoption was Olivia's benefit. Her little toofy smile shows that I made the right decision and I have to rest in that. This year's lessons has brought me many things to be thankful for so I should just focus on that. At the end of the day it is about Olivia and not me. And knowing that is what gets me through.

if you find yourself in a really hard position this holiday do not give up. Think of your blessings and surround yourself in them. God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. This trial might be what you need to shape you in to who you are. To change your life for the better. So focus on the positive and reach out to your support system when you need it! Hope everyone has an amazing thanksgiving full of food, love and adult beverages and no talks of politics, vaccine (yes it went there too), and anything else that should not be said at family gatherings.

Friday, November 11, 2016


It has been a minute since I've been able to blog! If anyone here follows me on social media then yall know its been a whirlwind of a semester. I've almost completed my first full semester back at school after 8 years, I tried to get on a tv show (I would totally do it all again in a heartbeat. In fact Call me!), I've watched my livi bug grow into a beautiful little girl (8 months old!! YES! *Ugly cries) and I found myself in a relationship with someone special. But if you guys follow me on my social media platforms then you all know that by now and thats not why I'm blogging.

I'm blogging today for a follow up to my last post. I've successfully been in a relationship for 3 months now. No fights, he hasn't made me cry, no breakups, no drama. Y'all might not think 3 months is a big deal but to me it's HUGE! I haven't had a serious relationship since high school. 10 years ago!! And if I did attempt to get into one since then it was a mess. Drama, tears and heartbreak after 2 weeks. Yeah I messed with alot of f*ckboys in my single time. I'm going to be honest here I got pregnant by one as well.

So what does that term mean? It mean's it is a guy that has no self respect or respect for you pretty lady. You can find him sleeping in at his moms house all day, unemployed or even working a job (not a career) to be able to fund his next pair of shoes, weed or night at the bar. He typically does not get into serious relationships because why would you when there are so many gorgeous woman out there that want to chase you? I chased alot of these boys because just a little over a year ago it was "fun" to have something I couldn't have. I also didn't not love myself enough to walk away. I spent a lot of time in my twenties wishing for the right guy but having my heart broken instead...until this one guy.

I met this guy 3 months ago. Online like most people that hate the bar and want to meet someone with substance. I had told myself that I was done until after college if this didn't work out. After a summer of a few more flings I was DONE meeting guys that were nice to look at but emotionally unavalible. I had promised Olivia's parents that i would value myself enough to not settle for chasing the wrong guy anymore. I mean yes I do have to be a good role model for Olivia in aspects including dating.

So what did I do differently you ask? I started to love and respect myself. After my adoption experience I told myself that I deserve a king to match my life. I DO have a lot to offer now so I should not settle for someone that can't offer anything to me. I changed how I dressed and viewed myself. I did not go home with the man (and yes he is a man. Know the difference ladies) on the first date. I also dress differently since I'am a "mother" in an aspect now. In a time where everyone says put it all on social media and show off what your mama gave ya, I'd love to disagree. As a lover of social media I see it all too much. I'am not here to bash those girls because it is what they choose but it isn't for me. I did get rid of clothes that showed too much. My body is different yes, but I'am almost 30 and wearing something so low that my boobs hang out, or posing in my underwear on instagram is unacceptable. Above all I made it clear to my boyfriend that I was looking for a relationship and not to play around. I was also open about my experience in adoption and being a birth mom. Sooner than later. And he actually supports that aspect in my life. That is how I really know I have a keeper.

So to all of my single ladies out there PUH-LEASE stop chasing the jerks. Rule of thumb is if you are the one doing most of the leg work in the beginning, if he doesn't take out (Or at least cook you dinner. I know we are all on a budget), and if he causes you pain and tears. RUN. If he doesn't pressure you to have sex, listens to you when you have a bad day, and goes out of his way to find ways to take care of you then keep him!! There is someone out there for everyone and when you expect to find a good man (yes I said it again), then you WILL!