Saturday, August 26, 2017

Asleep in perfect blue buildings...

            'Twas the night before moving day and all through the apartment it was perfectly packed, clean and ready to go...

         Yeah WHO are we kidding here?! I still have crap to throw away and things to pack. I don't exactly want to (right now). Instead I want to walk down memory lane and ponder on the 5 (!!) wonderful years I've had on Rockbrook dr.

               I never thought I'd leave this apartment. It was supposedly my "Carried Bradshaw" apartment (if girlfriend was a homebody...) I truly loved it here. I felt comfortable and safe. And as a single woman thats important! I thought I'd stay here until I met "the one" or I died. I really had no plans of leaving! But after some very unfortunate events it was a sign that it's time to go. I've felt I have "outgrown" this place...but I'm downsizing. Boo. It's time to move on. I'm far from work and even farther from fun things to do! And it just hasn't held up so nicely. So I made the decision 2 months ago to move.


                It has been a very hard decision for me. For so long this apartment held no memories except for the ones where I watched countless hours of tv with Cruz while we slept or ate. It also held my adorkable moments. Like when I clean and sing a Backstreet Boys song but I change the words to match what I'm doing or my mood. It has held the little memories and victories of "making it" (I put that loosely) through my 20's. But life didn't seem to begin here until Olivia. Here was where it all began for us. She came to my life here and I had to plan for US here. I will never ever forget taking the pregnancy test in my bathroom. I cleaned hoping that the test would show one line but knowing it would show two. And how I made plans to go back to school and find a new career. I felt the most scared and most alone but so very hopeful and full of faith while pregnant here. Out of all of my memories here Olivia will by far be my favorite.

              I feel so silly for being emotional about leaving this place when I know my new place holds such a bright chapter for my future. Who knows how long I'll be there. The plan is to try to stay there until I finish with school and finding a career. My future hope is to buy a house as a single woman once I know where I'll land. But that is down the road. Right now I'll just enjoy the last few moments here. As I blast my Counting Crows at 1am.

                                     How do you handle a big change in your life?

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

If it's not a 90's R&B song, I don't want it....


            After nearly a year in a seemingly happy relationship, I'm conquering week 2 as being a single woman. If you follow me on social media you know my relationship status has abruptly changed to 'single'. Yes it's very weird. I went from "We" back to "Me". It isn't absolutely terrible. Sometimes it does suck. Most of the time it's ok. I spent so much of my life being a single that I didn't know what else to do. I didn't think I'd ever find love and happiness and now I'm here at square one again. At 30 years old. And I'll only say it once, and here, but I miss my ex. We had a great run and he really taught me a lot in a crucial time in my life. (But Ill get into that in a minute.) So now my weekends and days off consist of being with my dog...alone. It's not the best situation but I'm not trying to change it at the moment. I have alot going on between work and my last 2 weeks of summer school. I'm trying to be strong, but with any other breakup, comes grief. Some may call it depression but I'd like to call it a funk. I may show a brave face, but inside I'm trying to find what happy means as a single.


                 How did we get here? You ask. I'll leave the gory details to myself but the bottom line is relationships are hard. Sometimes love isn't enough. Both people need to be on the same page about life and we were not. We were also very different as well. I loved romance and affection and Alec wasn't a fan. We couldn't even agree on tv shows to watch. And there was a very big issue. He wanted to move out of state where family resides. He knew staying here to finish school and being close to Olivia was everything to me. I have no desire to leave Texas just yet. My life is here. And to be honest the thought of sacrificing that for a relationship that has a chance to fail is....SCARY. I've questioned how I felt about the relationship and my place in it for so long. But I loved Alec so much and I was so comfortable being a We that I went with it. Despite being unhappy.

            So the relationship definitely taught me to listen to my gut! It will never fail me. And to not settle for less than I deserve. As a woman that has had to sacrifice the ultimate love, I can not do it again. I feel that I'm busting my butt to better my future for myself, my future husband and future kids (if it's meant to be for me. Maybe it isn't.) I can't afford to settle for someone that can't hold my hand in public, buy me flowers for no reason, or tell me how he feels on his own. I feel I deserve love like Chip and Joanna Gaines and who doesn't?! I know there will be someone out there that will tell me it doesn't exists and I'll ask if they are in a relationship. It does. And one day I'll find it. But I will not live my life questioning if I'm really in love and if it really is "it". I'll always LOVE Alec. He was who I thought I was going to spend my life with and build a family with. But in our case love wasn't enough and that's ok.

       What's next? School of course! I'm 2 weeks away from completing summer classes and I'm so ready!! I get to have a visit with Olivia very soon (and I CAN'T WAIT!! I miss her so much), back to school craziness at work, and I'll be moving into my new apartment which could not have come at a better time. I think a change of scenery will be so awesome for me!! I've put myself back on the dating market but I'm in NO hurry. I'm enjoying a little time of quiet and self love with my 8 year old Pug, Cruz. Of course it won't last forever. I've been in a reflecting time and there has been some sadness but I'm using this time to process, evaluate, decide what I want for the future and heal. No matter how happy I look on social media I'm still sad on the inside. I've cancelled plans because I can't bring myself to go out just yet. Sometimes I really can't believe I'm in this position. So if you find yourself in a situation you aren't happy with, change it. Life is too short to second guess your happiness. Hearts will be broken. But you give yourself a chance to find what you really want!

How do you heal and move forward from a breakup?