Sunday, June 24, 2018

You're the kind of girl that can take down a man, and lift him back up again

               Grocery shopping on a day after work is something I hate. I dislike grocery shopping to begin with. And it was an extra kind of hell this sunday evening. It's been a funky day for me. I woke up in a decent mood. But of course a few swipes and answered messages on tinder had soured my mood today. So imagine my distaste when I see a grocery store full of couples. I'm a single. A minority. A horrible feeling after playing the "I'm still single" pity party game....

                           It all started when I was told that I'm too independent to be married. Ever. I was taken a back when I heard the statement being told to me. Do I take it as a compliment? An insult? I mean the independence part isn't wrong. I'm working very hard for my future, just earned and settled into a role in my career I've dreamed of for so long, about to take my first vacation BY MYSELF (future blog post on that experience) and generally working on improving myself and my entire life by myself for myself.

                   Being super independent and goal driven has always somewhat been an insecurity of mine. My high school sweetheart told me it was intimidating to other men. My ex lost it on me because I drunkenly told him that I didn't need him. Another guy told me I worked too late so he dumped me. It was something I worried about all through my twenties. And at 31 I just got over that fear. Why does my drive scare people? The fact that I'm OK eating alone, seeing a movie by myself. Hell traveling and LIVING ALONE!! Wouldn't it attract a guy knowing that I don't want his money? That i just want someone to share experiences with when I choose to.

               I'll admit that as a little girl I didn't dream of marriage and a mini van full of rug rats. I didn't dream of my Prince Eric. Not just one guy. My barbies went camping, went to the mall, to the movies. They lived without fear that they will die alone because they enjoy living their own damn life with no rules or expectations. No Ken in sight. That's all I ever dreamed of. Is to live my life in my dream apartment taking dream vacations by myself. Being a career girl. Hell I ADMIRE those women that have it all even without a man that are pushing 40, 50 and beyond.

  So why do I let one person's opinion hurt me? Well because it is family. Also because I don't want to believe I'm too strong, too independent, too hard working. That was the basis of this blog. The rambles of a very emotional, opinionated, single woman. There are no apologies for being me. For wanting to do and have it all. Is there a guy out there that isn't afraid to not be needed? I sure as hell hope so. Will I stop doing me in fear of other peoples' opinions? HELL TO THE NAWWWW!!!! HONTAY Man or no man I will not stop working to improve who I'am. I will stop listening to people that tell me I'm too much of something to have what I really want. I want it all and you bet your ass I will have it.


Sunday, May 13, 2018

You're the best one of the best ones

               Today is mothers day. A day where we celebrate women that are moms. Its my third one as a birth mom and I'm about to get super real and unfilter-ish. So I apologize in advance.

         Holy. shit mothers day is hard this year. The first one was really hard because I had just given birth to Olivia. Last year was hard but not THIS hard. Today I've really struggled. I've put off going to my moms as long as possible. I start bawling when someone sends me a Happy Mother's day. People I wouldn't even think sent me messages. Cue more waterworks!

Why? Why is this year so bad?

   Because of me.

       No one has said anything mean that is causing this post. Except the mean-spirited, evil voice in my head that says I'm not a mom. And that voice speaks to be every day of the mother-loving year. It peaks a head on holidays and birthdays. Because society shames women that don't parent their children. Unfortunately birth moms tend to get put into that group of truly bad people. We "give up" our kids. The state is the worst by stating we aren't mothers when we sign our rights away.

So I tend to believe it.


        People ask if I have kids and most of the time I say "no" due to explaining. The one time I do a person kindly tells me he couldn't ever "give up" his kids. It stings like HELL. Because I have a very open adoption. I see Olivia a lot more than most open adoptions. And she knows I'm her birth mom. But 90 percent of the time I don't feel deserving to be called a "mother". I don't want to take anything away from the amazing woman that raises her. But it does take everything away from me. It makes me feel less than worthy because I couldn't parent her at the time. I've always had a struggle with feeling like a surrogate because I don't want Olivia's mom to feel less than the queen she is. I even squirm at the thought of her or anyone else calling me "mom". I know I'm unworthy. But it's something that needs to stop for me and all birth moms.

          Birth moms ARE mothers and will ALWAYS be mothers. Because we loved, and nurtured our children for 9 months and beyond. We made the sacrifice to wear the title daily so they could have a better chance at life. Nonetheless we still wear it. We gave them a better life. We did not give up our babies. We did not leave them in a dumpster. We didn't choose their life so we could  party and live selfishly. We placed our babies in the arms of another woman not because we aren't deserving. Or that they are more deserving than us. My daughters mom is a super woman. But so amI. Because I watch a little part of me run around with her makeup brush and I watch it all with a smile. I sacrifice my heart and soul daily. But today is a wake up call. Today I will see myself for what I should be. I will give myself self love and grace when I need it. I will give myself the title I deserve. I suggest my birth mom friends do the same. Society can talk all of the mess they want. The demons in our head can talk too. But who will save us from it if we do not save ourselves? "You is kind, You is smart, You is important."

Happy MOTHERS day from another MOTHER!


Saturday, August 26, 2017

Asleep in perfect blue buildings...

            'Twas the night before moving day and all through the apartment it was perfectly packed, clean and ready to go...

         Yeah WHO are we kidding here?! I still have crap to throw away and things to pack. I don't exactly want to (right now). Instead I want to walk down memory lane and ponder on the 5 (!!) wonderful years I've had on Rockbrook dr.

               I never thought I'd leave this apartment. It was supposedly my "Carried Bradshaw" apartment (if girlfriend was a homebody...) I truly loved it here. I felt comfortable and safe. And as a single woman thats important! I thought I'd stay here until I met "the one" or I died. I really had no plans of leaving! But after some very unfortunate events it was a sign that it's time to go. I've felt I have "outgrown" this place...but I'm downsizing. Boo. It's time to move on. I'm far from work and even farther from fun things to do! And it just hasn't held up so nicely. So I made the decision 2 months ago to move.


                It has been a very hard decision for me. For so long this apartment held no memories except for the ones where I watched countless hours of tv with Cruz while we slept or ate. It also held my adorkable moments. Like when I clean and sing a Backstreet Boys song but I change the words to match what I'm doing or my mood. It has held the little memories and victories of "making it" (I put that loosely) through my 20's. But life didn't seem to begin here until Olivia. Here was where it all began for us. She came to my life here and I had to plan for US here. I will never ever forget taking the pregnancy test in my bathroom. I cleaned hoping that the test would show one line but knowing it would show two. And how I made plans to go back to school and find a new career. I felt the most scared and most alone but so very hopeful and full of faith while pregnant here. Out of all of my memories here Olivia will by far be my favorite.

              I feel so silly for being emotional about leaving this place when I know my new place holds such a bright chapter for my future. Who knows how long I'll be there. The plan is to try to stay there until I finish with school and finding a career. My future hope is to buy a house as a single woman once I know where I'll land. But that is down the road. Right now I'll just enjoy the last few moments here. As I blast my Counting Crows at 1am.

                                     How do you handle a big change in your life?

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

If it's not a 90's R&B song, I don't want it....


            After nearly a year in a seemingly happy relationship, I'm conquering week 2 as being a single woman. If you follow me on social media you know my relationship status has abruptly changed to 'single'. Yes it's very weird. I went from "We" back to "Me". It isn't absolutely terrible. Sometimes it does suck. Most of the time it's ok. I spent so much of my life being a single that I didn't know what else to do. I didn't think I'd ever find love and happiness and now I'm here at square one again. At 30 years old. And I'll only say it once, and here, but I miss my ex. We had a great run and he really taught me a lot in a crucial time in my life. (But Ill get into that in a minute.) So now my weekends and days off consist of being with my dog...alone. It's not the best situation but I'm not trying to change it at the moment. I have alot going on between work and my last 2 weeks of summer school. I'm trying to be strong, but with any other breakup, comes grief. Some may call it depression but I'd like to call it a funk. I may show a brave face, but inside I'm trying to find what happy means as a single.


                 How did we get here? You ask. I'll leave the gory details to myself but the bottom line is relationships are hard. Sometimes love isn't enough. Both people need to be on the same page about life and we were not. We were also very different as well. I loved romance and affection and Alec wasn't a fan. We couldn't even agree on tv shows to watch. And there was a very big issue. He wanted to move out of state where family resides. He knew staying here to finish school and being close to Olivia was everything to me. I have no desire to leave Texas just yet. My life is here. And to be honest the thought of sacrificing that for a relationship that has a chance to fail is....SCARY. I've questioned how I felt about the relationship and my place in it for so long. But I loved Alec so much and I was so comfortable being a We that I went with it. Despite being unhappy.

            So the relationship definitely taught me to listen to my gut! It will never fail me. And to not settle for less than I deserve. As a woman that has had to sacrifice the ultimate love, I can not do it again. I feel that I'm busting my butt to better my future for myself, my future husband and future kids (if it's meant to be for me. Maybe it isn't.) I can't afford to settle for someone that can't hold my hand in public, buy me flowers for no reason, or tell me how he feels on his own. I feel I deserve love like Chip and Joanna Gaines and who doesn't?! I know there will be someone out there that will tell me it doesn't exists and I'll ask if they are in a relationship. It does. And one day I'll find it. But I will not live my life questioning if I'm really in love and if it really is "it". I'll always LOVE Alec. He was who I thought I was going to spend my life with and build a family with. But in our case love wasn't enough and that's ok.

       What's next? School of course! I'm 2 weeks away from completing summer classes and I'm so ready!! I get to have a visit with Olivia very soon (and I CAN'T WAIT!! I miss her so much), back to school craziness at work, and I'll be moving into my new apartment which could not have come at a better time. I think a change of scenery will be so awesome for me!! I've put myself back on the dating market but I'm in NO hurry. I'm enjoying a little time of quiet and self love with my 8 year old Pug, Cruz. Of course it won't last forever. I've been in a reflecting time and there has been some sadness but I'm using this time to process, evaluate, decide what I want for the future and heal. No matter how happy I look on social media I'm still sad on the inside. I've cancelled plans because I can't bring myself to go out just yet. Sometimes I really can't believe I'm in this position. So if you find yourself in a situation you aren't happy with, change it. Life is too short to second guess your happiness. Hearts will be broken. But you give yourself a chance to find what you really want!

How do you heal and move forward from a breakup?

Monday, May 22, 2017

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road....

       Yesterday marked the beginning of the last week of my 20's....

I can NOT believe such a big time of my life is coming to an end. A decade full of fun, laughter, drunken times, learning curves, achievements and heartbreak.

I feel like this decade was one of the best times as far as finding myself and learning. I've absolutely learned so much about myself in these past 10 years. I've learned to work hard even when you think no ones watching, to (somewhat) balance a checking account, how to keep another breathing object alive, that I can't drink like I used to (but I end up doing it again), that my plans aren't always God's plans, if a guy doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't want one with you, and so much more.

I'm no longer a careless young girl. I do not have everything figured out (yet) but I'm finally getting closer to becoming the woman I've dreamed I'd always be. It took me a while but I finally have a picture of what I want for the future. My 20's were about figuring it out. Going through rough times, failing, loser boys, and soooooo many overdraft fees!

I'm so grateful for the people I've met the last 10 years, good and bad. I'm grateful for the guys that were too immature to be in a relationship with me. Without them, I would have never met the love of my life. And I cant believe I'm about to say it, but I'm grateful for the one who knocked me up. That was the hardest lesson of my 20's but it taught me so much about love and family. I found a family not only for my baby, but me in the process. An unplanned pregnancy, a "nightmare" in the first 5 minutes was what made me grow up. It made me realize that this life is not always about me and my plans are just thoughts that may or may not happen. It was definitely my hardest but favorite heartbreak of them all. Without Olivia, I would not be where I'am. I'm the happiest I've been this decade. She's changed my mind, heart, soul and body....which is another topic.

I realize I do not have the body I did at 20. It has done alot of things since. Chugging a ton of beers, eating alot of good and bad food, working loooonnggg days of cutting hair, and making a life. I do not always love my curvy shape but I've learned to accept and embrace my body for what it can do and not how it looks. I mean I can WERK the body I have anyway. #effyourbeautystandards. It is not always about what people think. They will always have different opinions about how you look. YOU AREN'T PIZZA GIRL, you can't please everyone!!

My hopes for the next decade is to keep growing, building, and grinding for the new found things I really want in life. I'm hoping for a house, a ring and maybe a rugrat or two. I'm also working towards a new career and a college degree!! No matter what age I'm at or milestone I'm hitting I always hope to keep learning. I'm ready to put a decade of pain, heartbreak, mistakes, learning curves and immaturity behind me to really adult. Old enough to know better, but young enough to not care.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Olivia is one and life after placement

                        I'am behind as Olivia is almost 13 months old but I finally feel ok to talk about this milestone without bawling...

                I was SOO SO fortunate to celebrate Olivia's birthday, smash cake included. It was a day better than I hoped for. I got Olivia a necklace that matched rings Amy and I have. It was a special day. It was also a hard day. A few months before her birthday I struggled. I didn't have much motivation to do daily tasks. I was in a very sad, not normal funk.

            And of course after Olivia's birthday I couldn't get out of bed. It is so unlike our visits. Usually I drive home feeling so calm, peaceful and ok with my decision. I can't be upset when Olivia has the best life. That kid literally has everything I want her to have. But the night after her birthday was the second lowest day of my life. It brought me back to the day I left the hospital without her. I told myself I would never let myself feel so low again but the memories came flooding back.

                  It has been one of the best years but also the hardest years of my life. Adoption is not for the faint of heart and I understand why some women feel they can't do it. I'm forever and ever grateful for the relationship I have with Olivia. I love watching this baby blossom and grow. But of course I think "what if". What if I didn't have to make such a hard decision for someone else? What if I never got pregnant? How do you just block out the bad memories that shaped you to be who you are?

                I was told her first birthday was going to be the hardest, but like the adoption plan itself, I couldn't plan for that. I tried as hard as I could to be happy and celebrate this big milestone but it is so hard.

          Olivia has been on my heart tonight. More than usual so I think it's time to open up to a topic that people tend to avoid. I feel I had a little postpartum spell since having Olivia. Only mothers know how it feels to be in a slump after having a child. But only birth moms really know how it feels after placement. I get to a sad state. It's selfish. And full of guilt. I don't know why I feel guilty. Olivia is thriving. But it's hard to not feel guilty when the world paints birth moms as selfish women that give away their "unwanted" babies.

        I don't share my story for sympathy or for people to feel sorry for me. I want to bring awareness to the topic of postpartum depression for birth moms, especially the first year post placement. It's so overlooked. People assume that I'm "moving on" because I'm still working, going to school and in a happy relationship. It's far from the truth. My boyfriend sees my struggles firsthand. It is something he will have to manage the rest of our life. I'm so lucky that he is so supportive and lets me talk and cry it out. He's supportive and encouraging of my relationship with Olivia and her mom and it's a great feeling. It's scary dating as a birth mom. Lucky doesn't even begin to cover it with this one.

       To my birth mom friends I'm always here to listen, to laugh and to cry with you. You are not alone. And our mental health DOES matter just as much as our children's wellbeing. We can't be great birth moms if we can't take care of ourself. There is only one of us. I love all of my birth mom sisters!

Thursday, November 24, 2016

It's coming on Christmas.....

                       Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

It has been an eventful day of family debates, food, and fun. The holiday time is finally upon us and I'm excited/dreading it.

Last year was so different for me. I was pregnant and seemingly alone. I had very little support once some of my family members found out I chose not only adoption but open adoption (We had that lovely debate today.) Birth dad wasn't in the picture so it was so hard dealing with all of my feelings alone. Thanksgiving is around the time that I announced my pregnancy to family and started to get close to Olivia's parents. It was the worst holiday of my life. I get why the suicide rate is so high this time of the year. The holidays are meant to be filled with joy with family.

Fast forward a year later and it is different for me but some of the pain is still there. Instead of feeling guilt, shame and sadness for this unborn child, I'm missing this almost 9 month old gorgeous baby. It is her first christmas. Everyone my age is announcing pregnancies or having babies and it absolutely kills me sometimes. I cried myself to sleep last night. Sometimes we really don't understand why God puts us through trials. I still question why I'm the one that got pregnant. Especially in November with the holidays rolling around and adoption month. I see pictures of Olivia and her mom and I get jealous because they both look overjoyed and here I'am trying to piece my feelings back together even after 9 months. I cant wait until things really do get easier because post adoption grief is HARD.

BUT on the other side of the coin I'm so grateful and thankful that Olivia is loved and as happy as she is. I'm grateful that I do get to experience holidays with her. My whole extended family and I had the absolute pleasure having a family Thanksgiving two weeks ago. And in three short weeks I will be going to see her again for christmas. Olivia's parent's do not owe me that. They do not owe me anything. And the adoption paperwork says they can cut me out at any time. But they include me and I'm so thankful for that. I'm thankful they see me as an extended part of their family and not just a birth mom. Despite my sadness and despair I think everyday that adoption was Olivia's benefit. Her little toofy smile shows that I made the right decision and I have to rest in that. This year's lessons has brought me many things to be thankful for so I should just focus on that. At the end of the day it is about Olivia and not me. And knowing that is what gets me through.

if you find yourself in a really hard position this holiday do not give up. Think of your blessings and surround yourself in them. God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. This trial might be what you need to shape you in to who you are. To change your life for the better. So focus on the positive and reach out to your support system when you need it! Hope everyone has an amazing thanksgiving full of food, love and adult beverages and no talks of politics, vaccine (yes it went there too), and anything else that should not be said at family gatherings.