Sunday, June 24, 2018

You're the kind of girl that can take down a man, and lift him back up again

               Grocery shopping on a day after work is something I hate. I dislike grocery shopping to begin with. And it was an extra kind of hell this sunday evening. It's been a funky day for me. I woke up in a decent mood. But of course a few swipes and answered messages on tinder had soured my mood today. So imagine my distaste when I see a grocery store full of couples. I'm a single. A minority. A horrible feeling after playing the "I'm still single" pity party game....

                           It all started when I was told that I'm too independent to be married. Ever. I was taken a back when I heard the statement being told to me. Do I take it as a compliment? An insult? I mean the independence part isn't wrong. I'm working very hard for my future, just earned and settled into a role in my career I've dreamed of for so long, about to take my first vacation BY MYSELF (future blog post on that experience) and generally working on improving myself and my entire life by myself for myself.

                   Being super independent and goal driven has always somewhat been an insecurity of mine. My high school sweetheart told me it was intimidating to other men. My ex lost it on me because I drunkenly told him that I didn't need him. Another guy told me I worked too late so he dumped me. It was something I worried about all through my twenties. And at 31 I just got over that fear. Why does my drive scare people? The fact that I'm OK eating alone, seeing a movie by myself. Hell traveling and LIVING ALONE!! Wouldn't it attract a guy knowing that I don't want his money? That i just want someone to share experiences with when I choose to.

               I'll admit that as a little girl I didn't dream of marriage and a mini van full of rug rats. I didn't dream of my Prince Eric. Not just one guy. My barbies went camping, went to the mall, to the movies. They lived without fear that they will die alone because they enjoy living their own damn life with no rules or expectations. No Ken in sight. That's all I ever dreamed of. Is to live my life in my dream apartment taking dream vacations by myself. Being a career girl. Hell I ADMIRE those women that have it all even without a man that are pushing 40, 50 and beyond.

  So why do I let one person's opinion hurt me? Well because it is family. Also because I don't want to believe I'm too strong, too independent, too hard working. That was the basis of this blog. The rambles of a very emotional, opinionated, single woman. There are no apologies for being me. For wanting to do and have it all. Is there a guy out there that isn't afraid to not be needed? I sure as hell hope so. Will I stop doing me in fear of other peoples' opinions? HELL TO THE NAWWWW!!!! HONTAY Man or no man I will not stop working to improve who I'am. I will stop listening to people that tell me I'm too much of something to have what I really want. I want it all and you bet your ass I will have it.


Sunday, May 13, 2018

You're the best one of the best ones

               Today is mothers day. A day where we celebrate women that are moms. Its my third one as a birth mom and I'm about to get super real and unfilter-ish. So I apologize in advance.

         Holy. shit mothers day is hard this year. The first one was really hard because I had just given birth to Olivia. Last year was hard but not THIS hard. Today I've really struggled. I've put off going to my moms as long as possible. I start bawling when someone sends me a Happy Mother's day. People I wouldn't even think sent me messages. Cue more waterworks!

Why? Why is this year so bad?

   Because of me.

       No one has said anything mean that is causing this post. Except the mean-spirited, evil voice in my head that says I'm not a mom. And that voice speaks to be every day of the mother-loving year. It peaks a head on holidays and birthdays. Because society shames women that don't parent their children. Unfortunately birth moms tend to get put into that group of truly bad people. We "give up" our kids. The state is the worst by stating we aren't mothers when we sign our rights away.

So I tend to believe it.


        People ask if I have kids and most of the time I say "no" due to explaining. The one time I do a person kindly tells me he couldn't ever "give up" his kids. It stings like HELL. Because I have a very open adoption. I see Olivia a lot more than most open adoptions. And she knows I'm her birth mom. But 90 percent of the time I don't feel deserving to be called a "mother". I don't want to take anything away from the amazing woman that raises her. But it does take everything away from me. It makes me feel less than worthy because I couldn't parent her at the time. I've always had a struggle with feeling like a surrogate because I don't want Olivia's mom to feel less than the queen she is. I even squirm at the thought of her or anyone else calling me "mom". I know I'm unworthy. But it's something that needs to stop for me and all birth moms.

          Birth moms ARE mothers and will ALWAYS be mothers. Because we loved, and nurtured our children for 9 months and beyond. We made the sacrifice to wear the title daily so they could have a better chance at life. Nonetheless we still wear it. We gave them a better life. We did not give up our babies. We did not leave them in a dumpster. We didn't choose their life so we could  party and live selfishly. We placed our babies in the arms of another woman not because we aren't deserving. Or that they are more deserving than us. My daughters mom is a super woman. But so amI. Because I watch a little part of me run around with her makeup brush and I watch it all with a smile. I sacrifice my heart and soul daily. But today is a wake up call. Today I will see myself for what I should be. I will give myself self love and grace when I need it. I will give myself the title I deserve. I suggest my birth mom friends do the same. Society can talk all of the mess they want. The demons in our head can talk too. But who will save us from it if we do not save ourselves? "You is kind, You is smart, You is important."

Happy MOTHERS day from another MOTHER!