Saturday, August 26, 2017

Asleep in perfect blue buildings...

            'Twas the night before moving day and all through the apartment it was perfectly packed, clean and ready to go...

         Yeah WHO are we kidding here?! I still have crap to throw away and things to pack. I don't exactly want to (right now). Instead I want to walk down memory lane and ponder on the 5 (!!) wonderful years I've had on Rockbrook dr.

               I never thought I'd leave this apartment. It was supposedly my "Carried Bradshaw" apartment (if girlfriend was a homebody...) I truly loved it here. I felt comfortable and safe. And as a single woman thats important! I thought I'd stay here until I met "the one" or I died. I really had no plans of leaving! But after some very unfortunate events it was a sign that it's time to go. I've felt I have "outgrown" this place...but I'm downsizing. Boo. It's time to move on. I'm far from work and even farther from fun things to do! And it just hasn't held up so nicely. So I made the decision 2 months ago to move.


                It has been a very hard decision for me. For so long this apartment held no memories except for the ones where I watched countless hours of tv with Cruz while we slept or ate. It also held my adorkable moments. Like when I clean and sing a Backstreet Boys song but I change the words to match what I'm doing or my mood. It has held the little memories and victories of "making it" (I put that loosely) through my 20's. But life didn't seem to begin here until Olivia. Here was where it all began for us. She came to my life here and I had to plan for US here. I will never ever forget taking the pregnancy test in my bathroom. I cleaned hoping that the test would show one line but knowing it would show two. And how I made plans to go back to school and find a new career. I felt the most scared and most alone but so very hopeful and full of faith while pregnant here. Out of all of my memories here Olivia will by far be my favorite.

              I feel so silly for being emotional about leaving this place when I know my new place holds such a bright chapter for my future. Who knows how long I'll be there. The plan is to try to stay there until I finish with school and finding a career. My future hope is to buy a house as a single woman once I know where I'll land. But that is down the road. Right now I'll just enjoy the last few moments here. As I blast my Counting Crows at 1am.

                                     How do you handle a big change in your life?

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

If it's not a 90's R&B song, I don't want it....


            After nearly a year in a seemingly happy relationship, I'm conquering week 2 as being a single woman. If you follow me on social media you know my relationship status has abruptly changed to 'single'. Yes it's very weird. I went from "We" back to "Me". It isn't absolutely terrible. Sometimes it does suck. Most of the time it's ok. I spent so much of my life being a single that I didn't know what else to do. I didn't think I'd ever find love and happiness and now I'm here at square one again. At 30 years old. And I'll only say it once, and here, but I miss my ex. We had a great run and he really taught me a lot in a crucial time in my life. (But Ill get into that in a minute.) So now my weekends and days off consist of being with my dog...alone. It's not the best situation but I'm not trying to change it at the moment. I have alot going on between work and my last 2 weeks of summer school. I'm trying to be strong, but with any other breakup, comes grief. Some may call it depression but I'd like to call it a funk. I may show a brave face, but inside I'm trying to find what happy means as a single.


                 How did we get here? You ask. I'll leave the gory details to myself but the bottom line is relationships are hard. Sometimes love isn't enough. Both people need to be on the same page about life and we were not. We were also very different as well. I loved romance and affection and Alec wasn't a fan. We couldn't even agree on tv shows to watch. And there was a very big issue. He wanted to move out of state where family resides. He knew staying here to finish school and being close to Olivia was everything to me. I have no desire to leave Texas just yet. My life is here. And to be honest the thought of sacrificing that for a relationship that has a chance to fail is....SCARY. I've questioned how I felt about the relationship and my place in it for so long. But I loved Alec so much and I was so comfortable being a We that I went with it. Despite being unhappy.

            So the relationship definitely taught me to listen to my gut! It will never fail me. And to not settle for less than I deserve. As a woman that has had to sacrifice the ultimate love, I can not do it again. I feel that I'm busting my butt to better my future for myself, my future husband and future kids (if it's meant to be for me. Maybe it isn't.) I can't afford to settle for someone that can't hold my hand in public, buy me flowers for no reason, or tell me how he feels on his own. I feel I deserve love like Chip and Joanna Gaines and who doesn't?! I know there will be someone out there that will tell me it doesn't exists and I'll ask if they are in a relationship. It does. And one day I'll find it. But I will not live my life questioning if I'm really in love and if it really is "it". I'll always LOVE Alec. He was who I thought I was going to spend my life with and build a family with. But in our case love wasn't enough and that's ok.

       What's next? School of course! I'm 2 weeks away from completing summer classes and I'm so ready!! I get to have a visit with Olivia very soon (and I CAN'T WAIT!! I miss her so much), back to school craziness at work, and I'll be moving into my new apartment which could not have come at a better time. I think a change of scenery will be so awesome for me!! I've put myself back on the dating market but I'm in NO hurry. I'm enjoying a little time of quiet and self love with my 8 year old Pug, Cruz. Of course it won't last forever. I've been in a reflecting time and there has been some sadness but I'm using this time to process, evaluate, decide what I want for the future and heal. No matter how happy I look on social media I'm still sad on the inside. I've cancelled plans because I can't bring myself to go out just yet. Sometimes I really can't believe I'm in this position. So if you find yourself in a situation you aren't happy with, change it. Life is too short to second guess your happiness. Hearts will be broken. But you give yourself a chance to find what you really want!

How do you heal and move forward from a breakup?

Monday, May 22, 2017

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road....

       Yesterday marked the beginning of the last week of my 20's....

I can NOT believe such a big time of my life is coming to an end. A decade full of fun, laughter, drunken times, learning curves, achievements and heartbreak.

I feel like this decade was one of the best times as far as finding myself and learning. I've absolutely learned so much about myself in these past 10 years. I've learned to work hard even when you think no ones watching, to (somewhat) balance a checking account, how to keep another breathing object alive, that I can't drink like I used to (but I end up doing it again), that my plans aren't always God's plans, if a guy doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't want one with you, and so much more.

I'm no longer a careless young girl. I do not have everything figured out (yet) but I'm finally getting closer to becoming the woman I've dreamed I'd always be. It took me a while but I finally have a picture of what I want for the future. My 20's were about figuring it out. Going through rough times, failing, loser boys, and soooooo many overdraft fees!

I'm so grateful for the people I've met the last 10 years, good and bad. I'm grateful for the guys that were too immature to be in a relationship with me. Without them, I would have never met the love of my life. And I cant believe I'm about to say it, but I'm grateful for the one who knocked me up. That was the hardest lesson of my 20's but it taught me so much about love and family. I found a family not only for my baby, but me in the process. An unplanned pregnancy, a "nightmare" in the first 5 minutes was what made me grow up. It made me realize that this life is not always about me and my plans are just thoughts that may or may not happen. It was definitely my hardest but favorite heartbreak of them all. Without Olivia, I would not be where I'am. I'm the happiest I've been this decade. She's changed my mind, heart, soul and body....which is another topic.

I realize I do not have the body I did at 20. It has done alot of things since. Chugging a ton of beers, eating alot of good and bad food, working loooonnggg days of cutting hair, and making a life. I do not always love my curvy shape but I've learned to accept and embrace my body for what it can do and not how it looks. I mean I can WERK the body I have anyway. #effyourbeautystandards. It is not always about what people think. They will always have different opinions about how you look. YOU AREN'T PIZZA GIRL, you can't please everyone!!

My hopes for the next decade is to keep growing, building, and grinding for the new found things I really want in life. I'm hoping for a house, a ring and maybe a rugrat or two. I'm also working towards a new career and a college degree!! No matter what age I'm at or milestone I'm hitting I always hope to keep learning. I'm ready to put a decade of pain, heartbreak, mistakes, learning curves and immaturity behind me to really adult. Old enough to know better, but young enough to not care.

Monday, March 20, 2017

Olivia is one and life after placement

                        I'am behind as Olivia is almost 13 months old but I finally feel ok to talk about this milestone without bawling...

                I was SOO SO fortunate to celebrate Olivia's birthday, smash cake included. It was a day better than I hoped for. I got Olivia a necklace that matched rings Amy and I have. It was a special day. It was also a hard day. A few months before her birthday I struggled. I didn't have much motivation to do daily tasks. I was in a very sad, not normal funk.

            And of course after Olivia's birthday I couldn't get out of bed. It is so unlike our visits. Usually I drive home feeling so calm, peaceful and ok with my decision. I can't be upset when Olivia has the best life. That kid literally has everything I want her to have. But the night after her birthday was the second lowest day of my life. It brought me back to the day I left the hospital without her. I told myself I would never let myself feel so low again but the memories came flooding back.

                  It has been one of the best years but also the hardest years of my life. Adoption is not for the faint of heart and I understand why some women feel they can't do it. I'm forever and ever grateful for the relationship I have with Olivia. I love watching this baby blossom and grow. But of course I think "what if". What if I didn't have to make such a hard decision for someone else? What if I never got pregnant? How do you just block out the bad memories that shaped you to be who you are?

                I was told her first birthday was going to be the hardest, but like the adoption plan itself, I couldn't plan for that. I tried as hard as I could to be happy and celebrate this big milestone but it is so hard.

          Olivia has been on my heart tonight. More than usual so I think it's time to open up to a topic that people tend to avoid. I feel I had a little postpartum spell since having Olivia. Only mothers know how it feels to be in a slump after having a child. But only birth moms really know how it feels after placement. I get to a sad state. It's selfish. And full of guilt. I don't know why I feel guilty. Olivia is thriving. But it's hard to not feel guilty when the world paints birth moms as selfish women that give away their "unwanted" babies.

        I don't share my story for sympathy or for people to feel sorry for me. I want to bring awareness to the topic of postpartum depression for birth moms, especially the first year post placement. It's so overlooked. People assume that I'm "moving on" because I'm still working, going to school and in a happy relationship. It's far from the truth. My boyfriend sees my struggles firsthand. It is something he will have to manage the rest of our life. I'm so lucky that he is so supportive and lets me talk and cry it out. He's supportive and encouraging of my relationship with Olivia and her mom and it's a great feeling. It's scary dating as a birth mom. Lucky doesn't even begin to cover it with this one.

       To my birth mom friends I'm always here to listen, to laugh and to cry with you. You are not alone. And our mental health DOES matter just as much as our children's wellbeing. We can't be great birth moms if we can't take care of ourself. There is only one of us. I love all of my birth mom sisters!