Thursday, March 31, 2016

It was all inside of you...

Months had past. No real symptoms of a pregnancy that stuck out to me. I've missed a few periods (blamed it on stress), sleeping a lot (work was demanding), and I did throw my brains up (poor diet/stress?) None of these symptoms really stuck out to me. Yes I was concerned that I was getting sick after every meal. But I was eating garbage in 100 degree weather. One of my doctor clients had mentioned getting my thyroid checked out. (HA!)

Finally around Halloween I told my mom what was going on. She suggested taking a pregnancy test. But why would I need to do that if I took plan b?! I'm NOT pregnant. Yeah she saw right through that like windex.

A few days later (November 2nd) I came to my senses and took a pregnancy test. I was NOT ready to see a positive pregnancy test. It was the worst feeling I've ever felt. Like being dead was a better option than having to figure out what to do next. What DO I do next?! I literally felt the color drain from my face. My whole world fell apart at that moment. My life was supposed to be like Carrie Bradshaw and now it's completely changed. I never ever EVER wanted kids. I hated them. And now I'm carrying one with no "baby daddy" in sight. What.a.mess.

I had called my mom first and broke the news. In the past she would be the last person I run to for a crisis because she didn't handle conflict well. Maybe it's because she expected it, but she was completely calm. How could she be so calm when my life is in shambles? I'm not ready to be a mom. And being a single mom would have been my worst nightmare.

That's when I decided abortion would have been my option.

The next morning I had called a few clinics to see if I was able to get one. Fortunately I was too far along. Did I feel great about considering abortion?! Absolutely not. I really thought about what happened during the process and it made me so sick to my stomach. I'd always assume abortion would of been my option. I could have it done quickly and quietly and go back to living "my" life with no guilt but a lot of shame.

In that moment of despair it's like God had put his hand on my shoulder and said you are going to place this child for adoption.

I knew very little of adoption. I had friends that were adopted. Even my stepdad adopted my sister and I as kids. I knew so little about it. But God had spoke so clearly to me at that point. He's never been so clear with any decision I've ever made.

I'll never give anyone else credit for my story but God. He has had his hand in every single detail of my life and I couldn't thank him enough. As I sat alone in my room, crying, he gave my life purpose and hope at that moment. I never had direction for my life until he planted the little seed in my stomach.  He saved my life at that point. Even when I thought it was over. I decided that I needed to be obedient and have faith. That I was going to carry this child. And answer the hard questions. Deal with some crap talking. Because it was a part of Gods plan. Whatever that was supposed to mean at that moment. I was petrified. Never more scared in my life. And I think I slept a total of 3 hours before having an even longer day at work. I was an emotional wreck.

Even through the time of darkness and despair, I'm forever grateful for Gods plan and that little jelly bean in my stomach. At 4 months along (yes 4). I had a direction and a plan laid out for me like I'd never ever imagine. I was pregnant. Scared. Alone. Broke. Hurt. Torn up inside. But God had a plan for me and this sweet little baby.

Finding out I was 4 months pregnant with no father figure was the scariest and (at the time) WORST time of my life.

1 comment:

  1. My new book called "Separated Lives" is a true story about the adoption of a baby boy. Years later I take him on a fascinating but uncertain journey to search for his birth parents. It is available from Dorrance Publishing (in Pittsburgh, PA), Barnes & Noble and
    Author: Lynn Assimacopoulos