The pros and cons of a private adoption

Since my adoption was private, I figured I'd compile a list of pro's and con's of a private adoption. As my readers know my adoption was private. I did talk to an agency but it didn't work out and God, as usual, had his own plans. Glory to him!!


Pros

I don't have an agency dictating how often I see Olivia or how open my adoption is.

Before I'm being ripped a new one, let me have my say. The one agency I talked to said I would be lucky to find a family that allows 4 visits a year. How would I know if it were the family or really the agency that would allow that much contact? I know a lot of agencies are pro open adoption and some even don't play a factor in that. I know of a wonderful young woman with a similar adoption plan. She went through an agency. It just worked out better for me.

We were matched by someone I knew and trusted.

How cool is it that I can say Amy and Brandon were handpicked just for me?! God knew they were meant to be Olivia's parents. But it was so awesome to know I was matched by my boss. Someone I have been employed by for 8 years. Someone that I admired and trusted. She understood and supported what I wanted in an open adoption. I had asked her for information of other couples just to be sure. She was very hesistant because I think she knew all along that Olivia was meant to be with Amy and Brandon.

The adoption was affordable for Amy and Brandon

They didn't have to pay an agency a huge bill to adopt Olivia. I'm sure some people would question if Amy and Brandon could financially care for a kid if they couldn't put up a lot of money up front. It wasn't impossible for them. It just wasn't nessecary. And now they can spend money doing things with the family instead of worrying about how to make it a possibility financially. People fundraise now or even take out loans because adoptions have become so expensive, More people also turn to social media in hopes of privately adopting to avoid the high cost. I still get inquiries for a baby.  It's just too danged expensive!!

Cons

I was "stuck" with a social worker that didn't know me or the situation.

Our story isn't typical. Many people, including employees in the industry, don't understand that. I had a horrible social worker. It was like working with jekell and hyde. She was sweet and supposedly my "advocate" but stressed me so bad on the last day in the hospital that I broke down in front of family. I couldn't enjoy my last day with Livi because she wanted the mountain of paperwork signed asap so she could leave early (my adoption took place on a Friday). So inconsiderate. And she had the nerve to try to kick Amy out because I was so stressed. An agency provides a social worker that is hopefully sensitive to birthmoms needs and the situation. She was not. It still angers me. Adoption is already such a sensitive time and there is no room for pressure, insensitivity or pushiness. Hopefully she learns that she needs to respect people in all situations. I mean it is her job for crying out loud!!

Amy could have taken Livi and ran

We had nothing on paper about visits, pictures, holidays etc. A few people were concerned Amy was going to take back her word and cut me out. Unfortunately some adoptive parents do this because they aren't EDUCATED. Its heartbreaking. For the child and birthmom. I knew Amy would keep her word. I built a relationship with her. Any human wouldn't even have the conscience to make empty promises and run. Our communication isn't as much as when I was pregnant. I think we texted non stop everyday. But that's ok! Life happens. Shes a mom of 2 babies. We still communicate almost everyday along with pictures. Especially now that I'm in school, Amy continues to be a sister figure to me, my hero and role model. I trust her. And I trust her to keep her word. End of story!!

Your on your own financially on maternity leave

An agency can pay for living expenses and food while off of work. But adoptive parents cant help financially. It was a huge fear for me. Not only because I HATE saving (future blog post?) but because I didn't know what kind of birth Id have and how long I would be off of work. God handled it though. It all goes back to trusting him when I found out I was pregnant. Trusting his plan for me and babygirl. Now Oliva is a BEAUTIFUL 3 month old and I'm a college girl working 6 days a week. It all worked out. From my pregnancy to life after adoption. God could have made my life so hard because I chose to not live his way. But my God is full of so much grace for sinners like me. He made me realize why he truly gave his life. Not so I can make mistakes on purpose. But to prosper in hard times. To make something beautiful out of such a dark time. I absolutely love being a birthmom and seeing that princess grow. I LOVE IT.

School and adoption is such a new time for me but I'm getting the hang of it. Adjusting to my new normal. Even in the times of uncertinity, seeing that little girl thrive where shes at fills my heart in a new kind of way. I don't regret a THING. I miss her every single day. EVERYDAY. But shes happy. That's all I could of asked for.

Birthmoms/adoptive parents Was your adoption through an agency or private? Was there anything that made that experience better or worse? I love connecting with both sides of the story so please share!! Yall can also email me at Stellargurl_16@yahoo.com if you are uncomfortable about posting in public. I understand.

As always thank you for reading!!

The pro's and con's of open adoption

When I was pregnant and deciding on my option, I was so clueless. I didn't know anything about adoption. Uneducated. Abortion was my first thought because people willingly talk about their experiences. I didn't know anything about adoption. I'm going to share my thoughts on the pro's and con's on open adoption. For anyone that is searching for answers for "what's next" or just looking for perspective.

Pro's

A child will know where they come from.
Olivia will have any questions answered. She'll know where she gets certain habits from. She'll know who Iam. She won't feel like something is missing.

I get I get to watch her grow.
Equally I get to see what she inherits from me in traits. I'll never question if she's being loved enough or taken care of. A piece of my heart isn't missing because I didn't "give up" my baby.

I gained family
Olivia has two moms without divorce. I gained a family without getting married. There is so much love between us all.

Olivia is more loved
There is more people to love on her. It takes a village to raise a kid. And I'm all for love and many people living a child.

I don't feel the need to rush big decisions 
With this I mean marriage and kids. I'm really unsure if I'll have more kids. But with Olivia and her brother I get to love on two kids like they are my own. I get to share the joy and love of children. I don't feel like I have a "timer" because I can say I've had a child.

I can pursue a fufilling future for myself
I can do anything. And since I've had Olivia, I feel limitless. I can make my life better for future kids, a husband and myself. It's something I don't take for granted anymore


Cons

Sometimes feelings will be hurt 
I'm definitely an over thinker. When Amy is quiet, I freak out and overthink. Did I say something wrong? Is she mad at me? It was very difficult for us post placement because I couldn't handle my grief. It was hard for Amy to bond with Olivia without feeling like she stole something from me. She had to pull away a little and it hurt! But we definitely keep the lines of communication open and I've learned to handle my grief.

I miss her everyday
I'm in a great place right now so my emotions are easily controlled. But in the beginning, the pictures were HARD! I miss her smell, and the baby noises. Omg. But even if my emotions are in check, I miss her every single day. And I always will. There isn't a day that k don't think about her.

I won't come first in her life 
Even with the amazing relationship I hope we have, she will always prefer mom over me. But that's ok. God had called Amy to take over a job I wasn't prepared for. I want Amy to get every bit of credit she deserves.

Despite belief that open adoptions "confuse" or "overwhelms" a child, it doesn't.  My heart and Olivia's heart is filled. With love, hope and happiness. We will have a bond. I absolutely do not regret my open adoption even in the time that it hurts. It doesn't hurt enough to close the adoption. I love her way too much.

hould not be asking who this child belongs to, but who belongs to this child.” –James L. Gritter

I'm just beginning, pen in my hand, ending unplanned...

It's officially been 3 months since my placement. 3 of the longest and slowest months of my life.  I've survived it so far.

Each day brings something new. Some days I'm "normal" and ok and some days I have no motivation to get out of bed. Most days have been easy for me to slap a smile on my face. It gets a little easier everyday. I try to just stay as busy as possible most of the time. I've been really busy with work and being a few days away from starting school so I have a lot to look forward to.

The best advice my counselor gave me was to make goals for myself and my future. My goals for the year 29 of my life are to take care of my health better (get that pesky dental work done), pay off a portion of my debt, lose some weight and save money so I can travel when I turn 30. I already feel a lot of pressure to go ahead and start working on my goals. I don't want another year to pass without accomplishing anything. Since having Olivia it has made me realize that I did need to grow up and think about what I really wanted for the future. That's my advice to any woman in her 20's. Think about what you want for the next year, 5, 10 and plus. Tomorrow will come and go just as quickly. The things that are "important" now will be there tomorrow. I never thought about life besides shopping and bars. Because Carrie Bradshaw does both constantly. But she still has a great career to support that! Now it's time for me to think about what I really want to do in my career. Do I want to be a stylist on my feet forever repeating the same thing day after day? Or do I want to make a difference in a career that fufills me?

I'm still unsure if more kids are in my future. Of course I want to get married one day. No one wants to die alone. But I know there are other things I can do in my life to fufill me. I really love being a dog mom. Anyone that really knows me knows that I LOVE my dog. I miss Cruz even 5 minutes after I leave him. Work also fulfills me. I know I couldn't be a stay at home mom. I have so much respect for them because it's a job I could not do. I love being out and making my own money. Olivia fulfills me. My goal for the future is to be her fairy birthmother. I want to be someone that spoils her rotten and goes to mommy when she is out of hand. (Sorry Amy). But I also want her to call me when she needs someone else to talk to, when she feels like she can't talk to her mom. My aunt Jan was such a great role model for me. She always encouraged me to do whatever I wanted and I could call her and talk to her at any time of the night without judgement. She's the one I called when my first boyfriend dumped me, and when I smoked pot for the first time (and hated it). She took me to my first facial and bought me a book every summer. One summer she bought me a backstreet boys book I was dying to have. It was a little more than she wanted to spend, and probably "frivolous" but she bought it and I still cherish it. She taught me to cook and sew and what it means to be patient. And as a child she never corrected me when I called her "uncle Jan". When she passed her best friend told me she would be so proud of me and that meant a lot. I'm hoping to be the aunt Jan to Olivia. I want her to grow up to be a strong wonderful woman and I'll do what I can to be that influence to her.

Some days I really do get stuck in a rut. Amy will send me a picture of Olivia smiling and it hits me that I won't have those moments. Oddly watching videos and seeing her with her brother does make the years go away and bring peace to my heart. More than anything I wanted her to be happy. She's so very loved. Watching funny things and reading inspirational quotes really help as well as always. I can say I've had more good days than bad lately and I'm so blessed to say that. Some women never move on from the grief of adoption. Luckily for me it's never goodbye. It's just see you later. And the time in between goes super fast. I hope we're always able to see each other as often. I know not everyone can have the adoption I have. But it has given me strength to move forward with my life. It helps me heal. Sometimes you just have to spend a whole night crying in bed. I just shut down and cry. I feel by putting my loved ones through my grief with me I'm dragging them into my problems and I'm not someone that likes to do that. I try to figure out my problems as quick and effective as I can. Lately it has really hit me that I've been through a lot of "trauma" this last 3 months. I've been through things that could easily destroy a person. Sometimes adoption does destroy a person. But it hasnt. I'm proud to say that I have been through this on my own and I'm still standing on my own two feet. It's humbling knowing I fulfilled someone's lifelong dreams of being a mom. Just a month prior to meeting Amy she had lost hope to adopting another child. But I feel so far from being a "hero". I feel so strong and that Iam proud of. Thinking about how far I've come has gotten me through hard days. It's not over. I've been told the first year is the hardest so I have no doubt that I'm in for more hard days. But I know I can do it. I've already been through the worst of it. Leaving the hospital empty handed. Not only did I have options as a scared, single pregnant woman, I have options now.

I love my adoption story and I hope my readers have enjoyed reading it. My hope for the adoption community and for any young woman in my shoes is to get rid of the stigma of adoption. And to give hope to the people that need it. Adoption is definitely the road less traveled in life. But sometimes paving your own path is more fun. Life is like a roller coaster. We never know what to expect for the next turn but we don't want to close our eyes or will miss the whole ride. We think we'll never recover from the ride but we are back on in minutes.