Monday, July 18, 2016

I found a reason for living, found a reason to love again...

Today I was blessed with the privilege of going to Olivia's 4 month doctors appointment! It was an amazing experience. The doctor said she will be a little one, but she is way ahead developmentally. That makes me so very proud. She's only 4 months old and rolls over on her own and rolls back to her back on her own as well. She is a sweet happy little soul. But since she had to have shots, she experienced all of the emotions a woman experiences in a day, in one hour! After Amy and I were able to have lunch and to gush over how cute and smart Olivia is.

I often think about the night I found out I was pregnant. Especially since it has been a year since Olivia was conceived. When I made a plan to place this sweet baby, I was hoping to see her 4 times a year max. I didn't know anything about open adoption. And I thought "open" meant very few visits and lots of pictures. I prayed I could at least spend holidays with her. I didn't want to just hand off this child and run. I wanted to make sure she was as loved and taken care of. I didn't think our adoption plan would mean going to doctors appointments, monthly visits, and even pictures of Olivia eating oatmeal. I knew I'd sacrifice almost everything for the sake of this child. But with our adoption plan I really don't. I would have missed everything to provide for this baby if I parented. And she wouldn't have had as many people to love her. She would have missed a lot of chances to be successful, and I would have missed a huge part of her life. Our adoption plan is better than what I prayed for. Adoption isn't about giving up. Its about love and sacrifice but never giving up anything.

This beautiful girl adds so much to my life. I love having an event to look forward to every month. Because going to see her is a huge deal. I never thought I'd be here a year ago. But I wouldn't trade it. Even through the nights that I cry and I miss her. The nights that I wish I could smell her baby smell, kiss those chubby cheeks, and hear her "talk". I pray for more of those times all of the time. I miss her and think about her every single day. And I will until I die. I will always cherish our relationship and try to be there for her, even when she doesn't think she needs me. I will always need her. Adoption doesn't come without pain, unfortunately. I struggle with it a lot. But its the visits that remind me of HOW blessed I'am. Blessed to have a tiny girl that I can love, and blessed to have a family that I can call family. Amy encourages me to be better and do better in my life. My love for those people has so far taught me to never settle for mediocre. That Iam enough and deserve to be loved fully. Olivia has truly taught me what unconditional, selfless love is.

If you are a young, single, and pregnant woman out there searching for answers, please really think about adoption. Not only just that but open adoption. It is so beautiful. Painful yes. But its worth it. Open adoption works for all 3 parts of the triad and I'm living proof. Consider it. Research it. Love your baby and think about their future. It is the harder road less traveled. Its not for everyone, But I'm SO very grateful that it was the road for me!!

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