Friday, July 8, 2016

Back to school, Back to school. To prove to dad that I'm not a fool...

This week marks the end of my first class back in school! Luckily I made a B. Now I'm sad that this class is over because it was so fun and felt that I learned more about the field I'm majoring in. Not gonna lie, school and work is completely kicking my butt this summer. Not sure I'll ever do a summer class AGAIN. And I've been working 40 or more hours (like this week.) I try NOT to complain because it's better to be a busy girl than a broke girl. But there doesn't feel like there is enough hours in the day. Most days I'm lucky if I get hours of sleep. Doing my make up, cleaning my apartment regularly and having fun is out the window. But they said it will be "worth it".....

It is HARD to balance it all. In fact I've been dealing with the good ol' grief again lately because I'am so busy and so so tired (hashtag College life). I have been missing Olivia so much lately. Especially at night. I find myself crying a lot easier. I even cried at work today. (But thank you to some of my favorite people for hugging me. I needed that). I need to cry sometimes. I don't want to. But I need to. And it would be awesome if I was hugged while I cried. I just forget that I have been through something so huge the last year. I try SO hard to be Wonder Woman that I force myself to forget that I'm not exactly who I was a year ago and I do have feelings. Before I rarely cried. And I thought I gave up this crying business when I decided to start kicking butt in my own life. But lately my life is kicking my butt. Bad. Not saying that going through school, working full time, and a new adoption plan is impossible. It is possible. It just wont be easy. I constantly question my life. Seeing people graduate college, pursue careers they love, have babies, get engaged and married totally makes me question everything. It makes me question how did I come out of this year whole? I'm not. I made it. But I'm so far from "healed" and that's ok. I accept it. I embrace it. And its the right step forward. I guess throwing myself head first into a crap storm is my way of handling my grief. Honestly I feel selfish for crying. Olivia has everything I wanted for her and more. She has the better life I've dreamed for her. I just miss her so so so much. Every single day. And I think about her every single day. I think about this past year often. Maybe over time I wont think about it as much. I had a conversation with a young lady and she asked if I had kids. Of course like I do so often, I told her no (because society, myself and other birth moms tell me I'm not a mom. And she isn't my daughter). But I decided to come clean. She is a single mother. And that's something I feared so much. Being judged by single moms. She told me she would rather abort her child than watch someone else raise her. Man that was the most backwards thing I ever heard but I understood it. But school wouldn't be possible if I parented as a single parent. Olivia wouldn't have had the best chance at life. The girl and I talked about school and I listened to her give me reasons why she couldn't go back despite wanting to. I wanted Olivia to see that college is a priority. In most countries women stop going to school in middle school to become child brides. I did not want that to be Olivia. So I had to break my heart for her sake. Don't get me wrong. I have NO regrets this year. I wouldn't change anything. I don't want to take anything away from Amy (You are on your own with the spanking and grounding Amy). She is happy. She is loved and well taken care of. I'am so lucky to play such a big role in her life. I'am so lucky I get to squeeze her in 2 weeks. Amy didn't rob me of anything. I made the decision to give her more than I could provide at this time in my life. It just unfortunately does not take away the heart ache. Or the fact that I miss her so much that I cry in public. That some days I don't feel I deserve to even be called her "mother". That sometimes, but rarely, do I even deserve a chance to better my life. I miss her like the desert misses rain. So I throw myself into school and work. I throw on my Wonder Woman uniform and do the damn thang. I become an advocate for birthmoms. For women. I try to empower women. I try to empower myself. It's not easy, but I hope its worth it. Despite the tears I think it has been.

How do you cope with sadness? And how do you balance it all when you want to 'do it all'?

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