Holy. shit mothers day is hard this year. The first one was really hard because I had just given birth to Olivia. Last year was hard but not THIS hard. Today I've really struggled. I've put off going to my moms as long as possible. I start bawling when someone sends me a Happy Mother's day. People I wouldn't even think sent me messages. Cue more waterworks!
Why? Why is this year so bad?
Because of me.
No one has said anything mean that is causing this post. Except the mean-spirited, evil voice in my head that says I'm not a mom. And that voice speaks to be every day of the mother-loving year. It peaks a head on holidays and birthdays. Because society shames women that don't parent their children. Unfortunately birth moms tend to get put into that group of truly bad people. We "give up" our kids. The state is the worst by stating we aren't mothers when we sign our rights away.
So I tend to believe it.
People ask if I have kids and most of the time I say "no" due to explaining. The one time I do a person kindly tells me he couldn't ever "give up" his kids. It stings like HELL. Because I have a very open adoption. I see Olivia a lot more than most open adoptions. And she knows I'm her birth mom. But 90 percent of the time I don't feel deserving to be called a "mother". I don't want to take anything away from the amazing woman that raises her. But it does take everything away from me. It makes me feel less than worthy because I couldn't parent her at the time. I've always had a struggle with feeling like a surrogate because I don't want Olivia's mom to feel less than the queen she is. I even squirm at the thought of her or anyone else calling me "mom". I know I'm unworthy. But it's something that needs to stop for me and all birth moms.
Birth moms ARE mothers and will ALWAYS be mothers. Because we loved, and nurtured our children for 9 months and beyond. We made the sacrifice to wear the title daily so they could have a better chance at life. Nonetheless we still wear it. We gave them a better life. We did not give up our babies. We did not leave them in a dumpster. We didn't choose their life so we could party and live selfishly. We placed our babies in the arms of another woman not because we aren't deserving. Or that they are more deserving than us. My daughters mom is a super woman. But so amI. Because I watch a little part of me run around with her makeup brush and I watch it all with a smile. I sacrifice my heart and soul daily. But today is a wake up call. Today I will see myself for what I should be. I will give myself self love and grace when I need it. I will give myself the title I deserve. I suggest my birth mom friends do the same. Society can talk all of the mess they want. The demons in our head can talk too. But who will save us from it if we do not save ourselves? "You is kind, You is smart, You is important."
Happy MOTHERS day from another MOTHER!
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